I'm in therapy to work out the various issues that stem from, well, having lived my life. It's going REALLY well and I like my therapist.
Bittersweet's keeps growing, which astounds me in this economy.
I'm losing some weight and getting buff in preparation for what may be my last season of roller derby for a while because . . .
Todd and I are looking at our options for having a baby this year. He had a vasectomy before we met, so we're deciding what to do: reversal, in vitro, donor sperm, or adoption. Reversal and donor sperm are the current front-runners.
I'm pretty excited about 2012. Catch ya'll later.
- Mien: awake
- Cue:REM - Radio Free Europe
I had been doing fine for four-plus years, and now my eating disorder has decided to come back and say hello. What. The. Fuck.
Wait it out, figuring I'm not going to starve myself to death and enjoying the resultant slight weight loss or seek help? I've always just waited it out before, but the trouble these days is that I'm the most active I've been in this half of my life, and I need food to support that.
This is certainly unpleasant.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
So, I've been all introspective and what not lately, right? One of the things I've been thinking about is my tendency to give up on things the second they got difficult. Growing up, I did not cope well with challenges. I was naturally smart and good at enough things that I could appear multi-talented while sliding by, only doing the things that came to me easily (writing, speaking in public, learning foreign languages, et cetera). As soon as it looked like I'd have to put in actual work at something, I'd quit.
Nice, huh? I was that lazy smart kid all the adults just wanted to shake violently.
What really got me to outgrow this behavior was roller derby. I have short little legs, a pathetic upper respiratory system, and about seventeen left feet, but this was something I wanted so damn bad that I decided giving up was not an option. I don't think I'll ever be any sort of derby superstar, but with a lot of work, I manage to be pretty good. The fun thing I've learned is that doing pretty well at something for which I've worked my ass off is actually more rewarding than excelling at something I can do in my sleep.
This brings me to my next challenge: Music. My entire family is musically talented. My mother is an impressive viola player, and my brother and my dad are the sort of people who can play pretty much anything you hand them. My parents had me in music lessons for years, but I had trouble learning to sight-read, so (you guessed it) I shrugged and gave up. I've been thinking that with my newfound work ethic, I just might want to give music another try. Or a first real try. There is a full-size concert harp in my parents' living room. My dad is a damn good harpist, but between his job and getting another degree, he hasn't played much in the last several years. I am going to learn to play it. Thanks to weight lifting, I've got the hand and arm strength already and the harp is such a pretty-sounding instrument that even if you're not very good, it's rather forgiving. Once I have the money to do so (about three hundred bucks, shouldn't be too long), I'm getting the harp re-strung and demanding that my dad teach me.This is going to be fun. It's going to be hard, and it's going to be fun
I've been feeling very spiritually empty and sort of amoral lately. It's been building over the last several months, spurred partially by the weird little miracle that was surviving as well as I did when I hit my head. I've always regarded myself as being sort of ABOVE religion, prayer, spirituality, whatever, but now I'm wondering if it may be something I need in my life. As I've gotten older and my life has been less about falling in love, partying, surviving from day to day, et cetera and I've realized just how much life is NOT about just me, I'm starting to wonder just what exactly my life IS about. What's important to me? What do I need? How do I fulfill that need?
I spilled to my mom about this today, and she told that feeling like this is fairly common in this phase of life and a lot of people opt to fill the spiritual void with babies and material possessions. Todd and I have every intention of having kids, but not yet . . . I want to get Bittersweet's on solid financial footing before I take any kind of childbearing leave. Also, I think filling a void in life is kind of an awful reason to have a child. As for material possessions, I have pretty much all I want. Some new furniture would be nice, but I'll get it eventually and, having grown up dirt-poor, I'm fully aware that possessions are so not the path to wholeness.
I've been talking to Todd a lot about spirituality and faith and his time growing up in the Southern Baptist church and what he did and didn't like about it (for those keeping track, he's sort of a Christian-flavored agnostic) and the idea of a religious leader being like a professor or a coach . . . everyone is equal in the eyes of God, but this person is here to guide you and make sure you're getting what you need. Conversely, my own upbringing was lightly Pagan and, hell, maybe I need to start taking that more seriously, assemble an altar for the first time since my late teens, and bother meditating.
In short, I'm in a mental place I always thought I was too smart to reach and wanting things I always thought I was too smart to want, but now I'm thinking smart doesn't have anything to do with it.
- Mien: contemplative
Saturday we played the Killamazoo Derby Darlins (Kalamazoo, MI). It was our last bout of the season. It was an awesomely close, exciting game. Just after the second half started, I took a serious (and rather clumsy) hit from one of their girls and faceplanted HARD. I can normally pop right up after falling, but I just couldn't move. The paramedics came over and rolled me onto my back. They asked if I knew where I was, what my name was, et cetera and I got all of that right. Then there was some concern over the fact that my arms and legs weren't moving. They asked me to make a fist. No dice. They asked me to wiggle my toes. Nope, sorry. A few more failed attempts at that and they backboarded me and put me on a stretcher. I regained enough hand function to give the crowd a thumbs-up as they rolled me out so my teammates knew I wasn't dead. I went for a ride in the ambulance and at some point during it, began to recover nerve function and realized just how much pain I was in.
The doctors were a little shocked, but CAT scans and an X-Rays showed that nothing was broken and I didn't have a concussion. Inventory:
- bloody lip
- bloody nose
- sore upper jaw
- bruised forehead
- one hell of a headache
- a couple cuts and bruises on my face
- sprains from finger to wrist
I'm doing shockingly well. I'm mostly just REALLY tired. I was in bed for a few days, and managed to make it back to work for a half day today. I haven't needed any pain meds. I have a prescription for muscle relaxers that I got filled in case things went bad, but I really haven't needed them. It hurts to lean too far forward or lift anything and I'm a little ditzy, but I'm getting better every day.
We're conveniently on season break now, so I have time to rest before things start back up.
. . . and here's a bonus picture of me giving Todd the finger in the hospital because I'm classy like that:
- Mien: tired
Got up far too early and headed out to Hartville Flea Market with Ericka and Jessica. I'd never been there before and was quite taken with the selection of fresh produce and fascinating junk. I fell in love with an antique typewriter, but it wasn't fully operational, the seller had no idea what was wrong with it, and it was old enough that I wasn't sure I could find someone to fix it. I came home with the following:
- a matching set of Crazy Horse Cabaret pilsner-style beer glasses
- two sets of brass knuckles, one of which will go to my derby husband and the other of which was snagged by my real husband . . . I found it sort of cute that there was a big sign saying that they were to be used AS PAPERWEIGHTS OR BELT BUCKLES ONLY.
- a steel whip from the same slightly-illegal-novelties booth
- a cutesy little ribbon-bound copy of the Rubiyat of Omar Khayaam that appeared to be from the early 1960's
- some Gypsy Fortune Teller Cards (oh fuck yes)
Aaaaaannnd it's time for me to go wash my hair because I have a consultation with a dreadlock stylist this afternoon. Yes, I'm considering dreads. I'll see what happens.
- Mien: relaxed
- Mien: anxious
- Cue:Queen - Body Language
Frankly, I'm proud I made it this far. There have been times both relatively recent and at the beginning of my life where it looked like I might not. I'm feeling good.
I had a pretty laid-back birthday. I took the day off of work, Todd took me out to lunch and then up to Skater's Edge to order new derby skates as my present. I'm ridiculously excited because they will be custom-colored. I had to go to practice in the evening because we're doing skill assessment for team placement, so I couldn't exactly skip it. I'm having a birthday party on Friday. Turning back the clock for an evening and having a Sweet Sixteen. If you're reading this, you're welcome to come and YOU MUST COME DRESSED AS YOU WOULD HAVE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The week before my birthday was kind of a mess. Todd's dad was in the hospital (pneumonia plus assorted complications). Things looked REALLY bad for a while, but he's being released today. Highlight: Todd and I drove down to WV to see him in the hospital as he was rapidly getting worse. Scared out of my mind as Todd freaked out in the seat next to me, I got the Beetle up around 110mph a few times and made the trip in two hours. We got there, stood around for maybe twenty minutes, and then the doctor told us that he would be Life Flighted to the Cleveland Clinic. So . . . . turn around! As happy as I am that he's better and will be going home, this does mean that I will have to give my in-laws' adorable Shih Tzu back to them. I spent last week doing my best to help my husband keep it together and watch my mother-in-law be completely insane and use the situation as a way to get attention and pity for herself. High (or low) points include being convinced that someone was going to break into her hotel room by cutting the bolts off the door and kill her, and telling me that since she was almost seventy, she couldn't wait around for Todd and me to have babies and WHEN EXACTLY WOULD WE BE HAVING THEM AS I OBVIOUSLY ONLY EXIST TO BE A FUCKING BROOD MARE AND PRODUCE GRANDBABIES FOR HER OMG I AM SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO GO OFF ON THIS WOMAN FJ329UGBVNQQ39UGJEKLWBMKRW'3P04950R-
Thirty. I'm pretty jazzed about it.
- Mien: busy
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
I had an epic wedding to a fantastic person, took up CrossFit, and fired people.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any, but I have some in mind for this year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
One of my (now former) teammates had a little boy.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
5. What countries did you visit?
i stayed in this one.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
I would like a stronger sense of who I can trust.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
10/31- Todd and I got married.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I pulled off a wedding while really learning to delegate, and got the new store open- both occurred in the same span of two weeks.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I totally fell apart emotionally every time I got injured.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Holy crap did I ever. Fractured an ankle, collapsed a lung, assorted unpleasantries with my wrist, and smashed my shin.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My membership to SPC CrossFit was one of the best purchases I've made, ever.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mom's- in the face of a whole lot of business-flavored bullshit, she held it together.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Several people's- this was the year I learned some people are actually just plain rotten to the core.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Wedpocalypse '09- I must say it was a beautiful wedding, though.
15. What were you really, really, really excited about?
I was beyond excited over the wedding.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" by The Smiths- it was our first dance at the wedding.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
It's a more solid type of happiness.
b) thinner or fatter?
About the same size, but I've put on more muscle.
c)richer or poorer?
RICHER. Making a little more money, and no longer having a wedding to pay for.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Sewing and having sex.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Listening to people's lame bullshit.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Made food, had family over, went to Chase and Sarah's for a party later.
21. What was your favorite month of 2009?
November was just so relaxing- wedding was over, we had lots of nice gifts, and we just were so happy to have each other.
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I fell in love with Todd all over again as he said his wedding vows to me.
23. How many one-night stands?
Zero- I'm getting old.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
In fact, I do!
26. What was the best book you read?
Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I'd always sort of liked Morrissey, but Todd is a huge fan and we saw him live in April. After I finally re-adjusted my face due to it having been rocked off, I had a whole new appreciation for the guy. I don't care if he's fifty and gay, he brings the sexy as well.
28. What did you want and get?
29. What did you want and not get?
To bout in derby- I couldn't seem to stop getting hurt long enough to get my skills together. Ah, well. It's a new season, I've passed all my tests, and my body seems to be holding together this time.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I really liked Inglourious Basterds with my baby's daddy, Eli Roth.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Twenty-nine- dinner and presents, then a scrimmage.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not getting hurt so much would have been great.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Same as usual- corpgoth.
34. What kept you sane?
Meds, derby, working out, Todd, and my mom.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I've decided that Eli Roth and I are going to have fantastic, twisted babies.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The birther movement- seriously, people? Like, for real? Seriously?
37. Who did you miss?
The same people as usual, some of whom should CALL ME TO GET TOGETHER WHEN THEY ARE IN TOWN LIKE THEY KEEP SAYING THEY WILL.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
We've gotten some new girls in derby whom I really like.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
There are some truly horrible human beings out there.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"I'm-a do the things that I wanna do,
I ain't got a thing to prove to you,
. . .
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like,
I'm finally dandy with the me inside,
One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink,
I don't give a hoot about what you think."
- Mien: lazy
It was a great Christmas. From the second the new shop opened, we've been crazy-busy. We never had time to put up a tree, and we cleaned the house and put dinner together in five hours. Once that was done, all that was important was that we had each other and a day without work. My family came over and we watched Snakes on a Plane during dinner. It was perfect. My brother challenged me to a wrestling match in the living room, but relented after I lunged at him.
Todd got me a Kindle, which I can't put down. I got him a Nokia N900, which he can't put down. My dad, in a fit of awesome, got me new knee pads for derby (mine are falling apart) and a sweatshirt that says "Roller Derby saved my soul." My mom made me some perfect skirts for work, my brother gave me assorted books, and life is just plain good.
We're starting to plan a honeymoon, probably for Spring. We're looking at Amsterdam.
I've missed livejournal. I'd kind of abandoned it for the instant gratification of Facebook, but it's good to be back.
- Mien: calm
- Cue:Inglourious Basterds going on Todd's laptop