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I'm in sort of a strange place right now.  Figuratively, anyway . . . physically, I'm at my house.

I've been feeling very spiritually empty and sort of amoral lately.  It's been building over the last several months, spurred partially by the weird little miracle that was surviving as well as I did when I hit my head.  I've always regarded myself as being sort of ABOVE religion, prayer, spirituality, whatever, but now I'm wondering if it may be something I need in my life.  As I've gotten older and my life has been less about falling in love, partying, surviving from day to day, et cetera and I've realized just how much life is NOT about just me, I'm starting to wonder just what exactly my life IS about.  What's important to me?  What do I need?  How do I fulfill that need?

I spilled to my mom about this today, and she told that feeling like this is fairly common in this phase of life and a lot of people opt to fill the spiritual void with babies and material possessions.  Todd and I have every intention of having kids, but not yet . . . I want to get Bittersweet's on solid financial footing before I take any kind of childbearing leave.  Also, I think filling a void in life is kind of an awful reason to have a child.  As for material possessions, I have pretty much all I want.  Some new furniture would be nice, but I'll get it eventually and, having grown up dirt-poor, I'm fully aware that possessions are so not the path to wholeness.

I've been talking to Todd a lot about spirituality and faith and his time growing up in the Southern Baptist church and what he did and didn't like about it (for those keeping track, he's sort of a Christian-flavored agnostic) and the idea of a religious leader being like a professor or a coach . . . everyone is equal in the eyes of God, but this person is here to guide you and make sure you're getting what you need.  Conversely, my own upbringing was lightly Pagan and, hell, maybe I need to start taking that more seriously, assemble an altar for the first time since my late teens, and bother meditating.

In short, I'm in a mental place I always thought I was too smart to reach and wanting things I always thought I was too smart to want, but now I'm thinking smart doesn't have anything to do with it.


pisces iscariot

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